BCA Chair's dramatic rescue held back as no-one could touch him

Merely 3 weeks ago, almost 500m deep into a cave in Mexico, the chair of the BCA once again displayed unfathomable levels of fuckwittery by getting into subterranean bother. This time, however, instead of simply being flooded in and needing to wait for help from a cave rescue team, he found himself with a broken leg with no rescue team in sight.

With such a long way to go to the surface, the now infamous Big Pumba of British caving had assumed assistance would be available, but time after time he found that those around him were unable or unwilling to help. After many painstaking hours, the surface was eventually gained - but at what cost?

Dankness Below interviewed Rostrum Namaggy in hospital earlier this week, and were also able to use satellite phone to contact Miles Deep, one of the cavers who attempted to help him exit the cave. The reality of his predicament has only just become clear, as the situation was far more difficult than previously thought.

Miles explained to us: "Well, we really wanted to help him but we've fallen foul of this before. After what happened last time in Mulu with Randy Crevice, we decided we couldn't break Royal Protocol on this occasion".

What was revealed by Miles over the following 10 minutes was shocking. Many years ago Randy Crevice, an avid fan of the Saudi Royal Family, established an order of Royal Protocol within British caving forbidding those outside of the Royal Circle from touching royal caving skin. An incident in Mulu occurred in 2005 where a newbie caver had attempted to assist Randy up a climb, and was met with fury. The male caver, in their 20s at the time, was condemned to be drowned in tea and buried in Sarawak Chamber. The news spread across international caving media at the time, but BCA bribery of the British media prevented it being broadcast in the UK.

"Due to this history, those of us in the cave were not able to touch Rostrum", explained Miles. "We have wives and children at home, and to be honest I only like tea when it has ice in it and tastes like peach".

During our hospital visit we queried this with Rostrum, who seemed to be unaware of the protocol, and we explained the historic barbarism that had struck fear into his compatriots in Mexico. "That explains a lot", he quipped. "I thought I just smelled really bad!".