EXCLUSIVE: We Don’t Know What’s Going on With Access to Draenen

Upon reading the latest BCA Newsletter the journalists here at Dankness Below were completely unsurprised to hear that a new entrance to Draenen has been discovered.

Entrances to this system – which remains the largest system in the Known World, if not the whole of Wales itself – are popping up at a rate faster than the Piss-poor Draenen Cave Management Group (PDCMG) can close.

Using flimsy legal pretences, such as inapplicable bat protection laws (will nobody think of the BATS!?) they continue to grasp for power over access to Draenen, despite the entrance they control being the least convenient way to access the immense system.

We know that they concreted over one entrance, but what else are they capable of?

Here at Dankness Below, we simply have no idea. However, that won’t stop us from posting an article consisting purely of conjecture to whip up a frenzy over an already contentious issue. For example, we have literally no idea if the cavers who discovered this new entrance obtained permission to do so; instead of contacting them, or doing some journalistic legwork and asking the landowners themselves we will sit back in our armchairs and assume that they obtained no permission whatsoever. The one thing we DO know about this new entrance is that it has a single 12m pitch, which is far too complicated for the average South Wales caver to negotiate. We suggest avoiding this death trap at all costs and continuing to support the 23-year power trip of a small group of Oxford University Alumni by using the original entrance.

As to the intentions of what the PDCMG intend to do with this new entrance, we are similarly clueless, the discoverers have emphatically stated that they are confident they will win any legal battle presented to them, so we at Dankness Below can only speculate on their next move. We can now exclusively reveal that we believe the PDCMG have launched an MQ-1 Predator drone missile strike on the newly discovered Twll Du entrance to ensure its permanent closure, the landowner is of course feeling ecstatic about this new development as it means there will no longer be any pesky cavers on his land, and the presence of a 15m wide missile crater in his paddock is a small price to pay for this peace of mind.

Following reports of an unauthorised drone strike on Welsh soil by English cavers, South Wales Police have spent a lengthy investigation hunting down the culprits. However, due to confusion between club acronyms they have mistakenly imprisoned every single member of the Peak District Mines Historical Society.