Hans Bratch rescue found to be GUE plot

In a strange turn of events, it appears it was all a ruse.

by Ethel Bangrod

4/18/20191 min read

Recent revelations have emerged after a dramatic rescue in Tennessee yesterday, when famous child catcher and knight of the realm Hans Bratch was retrieved from beyond a sump in Mill Pond, TN.

The diver was stuck in the airbell for 22 hours, and was quoted by ABC news as saying: “The time underwater was not as good as the Thailand incident. We didn’t have nearly enough ketamine”.

Whilst originally assumed to be a diver error, the Dankness Below staff have discovered from secret American Facebook groups that the rescue was a secret plot by the Global Underwater Explorers to advertise their international rescue prowess.

Rumours have circulated that Yarrod Tablonkdi, founding member of GUE, was seen walking away from the Mill Pond with several hundreds of meters of line and some garden shears the night before. We must inform readers that this is only a rumour, as it is not clear how a GUE diver could manage this difficult dive.